Life is a Gas

Yes Life is a Gas alright. Nitrous Oxide some days, on others Zyclon B

Momentum -Leap of Faith- I am Queen - Haunted by the Coast

Would have Should have Almost did- High Hopes - A small brush with Death and Reality

Momentum

The time for change is fast approaching

You can do anything you put your mind to, including the one thing you think impossible

Life is sometimes like pushing a rock uphill

It takes momentum to get the thing rolling

However all you need is a little perseverance, determination and the strength of character to keep pushing

Keep on going, just when you think there’s nothing left in you

The realisation occurs that the smallest effort goes the longest way

And you’ll realise the effort of momentum is an unstoppable force

To be reckoned with

It gets easier you see

As time goes on,

The uphill becomes even,

The rock becomes a pebble

The effort becomes the will

You are much stronger than you believe,

I know you can do it.

Leap of Faith

In the early days there was little faith invested in the darkest corners of my mind

I believed that all people were inherently selfish

A belief only to serve themselves

Get the best deal

Fuck everyone else over to get there

But then one day something changed in me, I found a new sense of upbeat optimism previously overlooked for the fear of letting go

The principle of shedding self-protective armour plating

I found the pen mightier than the sword

Stabbed in all the right places

It served as an acupuncturists dream on paper

The change came from witnessing an incident which bought out all the best in humanity for the sake of pure clean white freedom

It was the kindest thing anyone can do to stop the world spiralling further into the depths of despair

I saw a man jump off a cliff

Hey it worked for me

But then,

If this is what it takes to open my eyes

Then

Maybe I should go next

I am Queen

I am Queen of aspirational highness

I am Queen

I am Queen of the man

I am queen of the wall

I am queen of the dam

I am queen of them all

In the soft silent night I am queen of the tale

In the make-hay-while-sun-shines

I am queen of the bale

(Silent aside- "slut")

I am queen of the blister, queen of the scrape,

Queen of the green pond

Queen of the lake

I am queen of the snail trail queen of the mail, the queen of the nightingale queen of the sale

Queen of the bedroom I am queen in my lair

I am queen of the hymen

Queen of the tear

I am queen of the microwave, queen of the sink, queen of the internet, queen of the link, queen of the chatroom, queen of the web, queen of the redneck, queen of the dead

I am queen of despair

Queen of thin air

Queen of the lions den

Queen of the share

I am queen of a fantasy

Queen of a dream

In my lonely world

I am

Queen of routine.

Comments: Queen for a day in rubber gloves and slippers.

Haunted by the Coast

Better off dead

At Beachy Head

Lets hang around in Rye

Head in the oven witch’s coven

Blackbirds in a pie

Fall under sleet my Worthing street

Slice marks against Newhaven

Bexhill tomb where there’s no room

For the bust of Pallas Raven

The stinking drains of Brighton lanes

Lie down in Hove and fester

I’d die for most of Sussex Coast

Then go to Hell ( colloquially that's Leicester)

Comments: Leicester is a lovely place. I got mugged there. The last line was a toss-up between Leicester and Chester. But I've not been to Chester so Leicester wins by default.

Would have Should have Almost did

Sometimes, when you sit and wonder where it all went wrong,

does your mind cast you back to an obvious moment?

A moment, where if only you had said something different, your path would have taken you in a very different direction?

My mind reels out a long thin wire of potential could have’s and should have been’s

I should have said No

I could have tried harder

I would have killed him if I had stayed.

Sometimes, it’s best just to let these things go

For the truth which is unveiled fantastical in reverie

Is sometimes just too frightening to think about

I would have I should have

I almost did

High Hopes

At times like these I always wonder what the point of all this really is

I wonder about the rush of excitement and love

The possibilities of where it all might lead

Where might it lead?

Its exciting to think of, flushed pink with excitement young and alive

Its all such a thrill to imagine the best of what you have getting better

But then

The first argument comes along and somehow over time

The gleaming prize of possibilities begins to tarnish ever so slightly,

The comments are darker

The truth of the matter less tactful

More hurtful,

And thicker the tainting becomes

And one day you run your finger along its surface and find a black mark left behind on your finger

Its all that’s left

Is this what happens to everyone who wants more from their life?

Expects perfection in small measures?

Does everyone go through this to come out the other side harder, more difficult to read and navigate, more embedded in disappointment, weaker willed?

Or do these rules only apply to us?

I wonder where it all went wrong.

I had such high hopes.

I wonder if one day we can both find what we are looking for.

But Its not here

And I’ve been blind to that fact for some time now

So I think I’ll keep searching

As ultimately,

I still have high hopes

Comments: Slight return to black and white for 5 minutes. Life is not all doom and gloom though, all you need is creative space and understanding of the person you love to get you through even the most terrible times. Or gin and tonic. What do I know?! I'm no mans psychologist.

A small brush with Death and Reality

Today was my first encounter with death this year.

It is only 2009 and I am not expecting him to come into such close contact for a few more years yet.

Ultimately

The world has bridges that need rebuilding, bridges, which never should have been burned down in the first place

A society, which cannot be reached

Parents who cannot be trained

Children who cannot be helped

And brows who cannot understand the concept of money being something which is earned

“Give us your money,” he said after using the word “Oi” to get my attention.

“Give us your money.”

“Us” as there was just him, I thought such a grammatical error in demand was laid down awkwardly.

He needed money to catch the train to Durrington, which is about half an hour’s walk away, I said no, walk.

The torrent that follows is an extract of the overall conversation, which followed

“You bitch, I only want a quid, have you got a spare quid?”

“No.” I walked away not wishing to divulge any more, nor spare any more of my time that goes with a request for ‘spare change’

I have nothing spare for you. I need all of it for me and anyone else who gives a fuck.

“When I tell you to do something, you fucking well do it.” She said inches away from his face, grabbing strongly at his arm and shaking him. A slap to his small frame confirmed what I thought:

You are a brow, you are not responsible enough to parent this child, you cannot, and will not ever raise this child to command respect and give respect.

I walked on, terrified of interfering in matters which do not concern me.

I will not have children. I want children, but I will not let them be born into this.

It is unacceptable.

And then seeing the man wheeled out in a body bag onto the gurney in the unmarked ambulance made me realise that all of us,

Live uncontrollable in unison and,

Will die alone.

Comments: Dead body in front of me, lumpen proletariat around me, earth waiting beneath my feet and skies of questions above. I only walked into town to change a pair of shoes which were too big. Suddently the world was all too big at the same time.

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